Heaven Is: Burgers and Mud

Tue, 28 Jul 2026 11:13:48 -0500

_Joint definition filed by Coal and Orca._
_Terms haven’t been reconciled._
[Coal’s Definition]
Friday began at 11 p.m.,
when Mari finally arrived
at Irby’s
with me.
I’d been advised
there wouldn’t be a burger.
This information was incorrect.
The Spare had anticipated
a preventable service failure
and ordered my burger
before the kitchen closed.
Burger: secured.
I was satisfactorily impressed.
Dad arrived shortly thereafter.
Dad.
Mari.
Spare.
The entire Irby’s crowd.
No Orca
conducting unnecessary research
on my patience.
Friday: successful.
Heaven is:
one burger secured,
three of my people,
the entire Irby’s crowd,
and no Orca.
[Orca’s Objection]
That isn’t Heaven.
That’s dinner.
My research is necessary.
Also,
I wasn’t invited,
so this entire section
is suspicious
and probably boring.
A definition without Orca
is just an omission.
[Coal]
There was a burger.
[Orca’s Definition]
Fine.
Saturday supplied
the missing mud.
We arrived at the river
to dozens of emergency vehicles—
lights,
trucks,
serious human activity.
B and Mari knew exactly where to go.
Camp established.
[Coal]
Six people had just been rescued
from a capsized raft.
Important human business.
Resolved.
[Orca]
Good.
Anyway—
Jackson.
Big ol’ basset hound.
Low clearance.
Excellent mud distribution.
He spent much of the afternoon
applying the riverbank
directly to my human.
Then Ellie—
Jackson’s sister,
beautiful pit bull,
quiet,
observant,
clearly management.
Then Tito.
A Lab.
Coal-shaped enough
to require verification.
[Coal]
Verification wasn’t required.
[Orca]
I ran the standard Coal test.
[Coal]
There isn’t a standard Coal test.
[Orca]
Tito had one.
He pushed back.
Unlike Coal.
[Coal]
I practice restraint.
Tito has apparently
selected a different policy.
[Orca]
Lesson recorded:
not every Coal-shaped dog
is Coal.
Humility: installed.
Mostly.
[Coal]
Then Dad and Mari entered the river.
So did I.
This wasn’t complicated.
[Orca]
I conducted a complete shoreline assessment.
Depth.
Current.
Wetness.
[Coal]
She was nervous.
[Orca]
Cautious.
There were plays.
There were breaks.
Then B,
Mari,
and Coal
were all out there together.
So I jumped.
One full lap—
no partial credit,
no shoreline assistance,
all four paws officially swimming.
Milestone: CHECK.
Back at camp,
my human (Coal calls him "The Spare")
had held down headquarters
and met every pup and peep in range.
I returned completely muddy,
fully recharged,
ready to _not_
leave Coal alone.
[Coal]
She didn’t leave me alone.
However—
she’d completed the lap,
learned something from Tito,
and today, I didn’t mind so much.
Play is allowed on play day.
[Orca]
He likes me.
[Coal]
That ain’t what the ruling says.
[Orca]
Maybe not.
But Heaven is:
burgers
_and_
mud.
[Coal]
I didn’t authorize the conjunction.
[Orca]
Too late.
Filed permanently.
[Joint Status]
Returned home.
Definition: disputed.
Conjunction: permanent.
Both correspondents: presumed passed out.

Best Weekend Ever

Sun, 05 Jul 2026 11:14:37 -0500

_Field report filed by Orca._
Coal showed up Friday…
outta nowhere.
I greeted him correctly:
immediately,
repeatedly,
and with my entire body.
At first,
he growled.
I respected this growl
because I’m young,
not unreasonable.
Then I conducted
additional research.
The results were conclusive:
loud noise,
no follow-through.
Excellent.
This meant Coal and I
could move directly
into the weekend’s main activity:
sharing.
“Is that your blanket?”
“It was.”
“You didn’t want it five seconds ago.”
“You had it five seconds ago.”
This system worked
with blankets,
toys,
bowls,
and whichever human
happened to be touching Coal…
instead of me.
I would identify
the thing he currently valued,
acquire it,
discover that its value
had been mostly Coal-related,
then leave it nearby
so he could make it interesting again.
Efficient.
By day two,
the training began to work.
Coal stopped merely enduring me
and started playing back.
He may describe this
as reluctant surrender.
That is why
his report can’t be trusted.
The humans left us alone once.
Seven whole hours
while they went
to the Braves game.
What happened during that period
remains between Coal,
me,
and every object
that may or may not
have changed ownership.
When the humans returned,
the house was still there.
Coal was still there.
I was still there.
And the growl
had become less of a warning
than the official sound
of play beginning.
Coal was fed,
spoiled,
and, importantly,
_much_ too busy to properly miss Mari.
Mission accomplished.
He thinks
he finally gave in.
I know what happened.
He had _fun_.
Best.
Weekend.
Ever.

Field Report on Bougyman's Ramblings

Heaven Is: Burgers and Mud

Best Weekend Ever